As a child, every time I heard my mother’s hair dryer blowing
from her room, I would get anxious. The thought would come to mind of, where is
my mother going??
I have throughout time learned that when my mother is doing
her hair, that she is going out. I never KNEW when she was going out, she never
informed me of her going out. I would just hear the hair dryer blowing, and I
would immediately know she is going out and I MUST go with. I would drop whatever
I was doing and quickly change my cloths and get ready. By the time she would
pass my room I would tell my mother I am coming with.
My mother would respond and say, I am just going to go get
some shopping. I did not care, I just wanted to go with, I feared missing out
on something, I wasn’t ever sure what, so I went with to see what it might be. It
always ended up with me just hanging around my mother walking around.
In those moments, I would drop whatever I was busy with,
even if it was something I was already enjoying, like playing a game, or
building with my blocks, or simply enjoying being where I am. In return, going
with my mother, I missed out on what I was doing, dropping it half way and not
focussing on myself, who I am and what I was doing, I was chasing something out
there.
How I developed this I am not sure, but it bled out into all
aspects of my life, with friends, with Girlfriends, with so many things, I
would always drop ME and rather rush to the event, the thing, the place to see
what else is there, fear of missing out. It would always end up the same, me
being here with me simply in a different situation or event or place. Sometimes
it lead to weird things, or not so cool things.
I got addicted to wanting to always KNOW, to always wanting to
be informed, to be up to date to be in the LOOP of what’s happening, even if it
had nothing to do with me, or had any relevance to me, I just wanted to be
there.
For example: I would be cleaning my room, something I
resisted, yet here I am cleaning my room, focusing on me and improving me a
bit more, then I hear that hair dryer blowing from my mother room, I drop the
cleaning, change my cloths and forget about me and my improvement in a single
moment and rush to this other place. Looking for me, something.
Same with wanting to quit alcohol when I was drinking
heavily and having to many hangovers, I would give myself a goal of not
drinking, but as soon as a party starts and I am informed of that party, I drop
that goal and there I GO, and at the party, I drink, because I fear missing
out, I fear missing something. Back at square one.
When I came to the farm, the first week after being here, Bernard
told me that I will probably not leave the farm for about three months, and he
asked me if I can handle that. I looked at him and said YES SURE, that should
not be a problem. I had no idea why I would not be able to leave the farm for
three months. In that time I did want to go to town a few times, and Bernard
would say I can go, IF I can give him a reason that is valid for why I want to
go to town which would mean me not doing my responsibilities and postponing
them, and each and every time I had a reason Bernard would check y common sense
and self-honesty within my reasons.
For example, I would see someone is climbing into a car to
go to town, and I would go to that someone and ask, hey can I come with, that
other person would say sure, yes, you can come with, and I would respond with
saying, OK, let me get my stuff. So I would run to my room to quickly get my
stuff, Bernard would see me running and ask WHERE ARE YOU GOING? And I would
slow down and look at him and say, I want to go to town, and Bernard would ask
why? As I give my reason such as I need cigarettes, then Bernard would say,
just give them the money to get it, you need to finish raking the grass in the
fields today before the rain comes.
This kind of situation occurred each time I wanted to go to
town, I first of all tried to go to town without Bernard noticing me, as I KNEW
he would challenge me and check up on me, so I wanted to do is in a sneaky way,
YET, he caught me each time.
This continued for about 3 months, where I did not leave the
farm. I went through a sort of a withdrawal of some sort, where I got a bit
depressed and angry, as I could not go to town for no reason, YET each time I
was redirected BACK to what I NEED to do, and that whatever I wanted in town,
someone else could just get it for me, so while they do that I do what I could
do best and get things done.
So, by now you must know, Bernard pushed this point
perfectly, if you look at how I used to live out this point and how he then
supported me in facing this missing out point, I was forced to focus on ME and
what I am doing, unlike how I used to just DROP what I am doing to run after
other things in the fear of missing out.
After those three months and a bit more, I started going to
town a lot more, specifically to get my driver’s license that I failed the
first time before I came to the farm. I got it in December 2008 with the farm
support.
Something very interesting changed within me and who I am in
going into town. The first time after three month and a bit I noticed and
experienced going into town a LOT different, everything felt so BUSY and
stressed and tense and heightened in energy, my stomach was turning and I felt
like throwing up. I remember when I went with Bernard he told me to BREATH as I
have not dropped the energy to going to town, so now I can actually experience
what is really going on, the systems and everything in play all the time, as I
used to go to town to PLUG in, I now went to town not plugging in as much, but
was more aware of the plugging in from within me, what I went to town for
previously to support system and programs within me, to keep me upgraded and to
keep my personality in tack by feeding myself in town, the city with mind
consciousness systems.
This is quite interesting. Because I used to go to town to
literally FEED my ego, my personality, to make sure I am still in check, that I
still fit in, that I am not out of date, that I have all the programs upgraded
and working, all my apps are running fine to survive in the system. And after
three months of not rushing to town, going to town within that energy, I felt
WAY out of date, not updated, and wanting to update felt sickening, what I was
doing to myself, selling myself out.
Me not updating myself and my programs and doing the
upgrades that are consistent within the system, just like the apps on our
phones and all their updates occurring the whole time, I lost complete touch
for a long time with the system, I would not shower of bath after doing some sweaty
work, for a few days even, I would simply take a dip in the pool, put the same
cloths on I worked with and wear gumboots that smell like horse shit and go to
town, standing in lines where people would literally move away from me and look
at my gumboots weird. I did not do this deliberately, I simply did it because I
kind of didn’t know better anymore, I didn’t have the upgrades, so I went to
town as I was.
I did this for years, never upgrading, never plugging back
in, never access those systems. I instead went as me, as me requiring only me
to be who I am and living, expressing. It was only possible because of where I
was/am, the Desteni farm, and the opportunity was here for me to live this to
be this, to stand as this and to see what is here, how it works and going
deeper, to in the long run stand as a support for others that might not have
the same opportunity yet facing the same points, such as now, now is the time.
I will continue in Part two, sharing more and deeper points
as this fear of missing out went from one polarity to another and finding a
balance, also how this point was pushed even further by Bernard for me to face
in specific moments.
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